Adolescence is an important period of development that lays the foundation for the rest of an individual’s life. It is a time when young people are establishing their sense of self and their place in the world, and it is critical that they receive appropriate support and guidance from parents, caregivers, and other adults in their lives.
A reader query got me thinking about the power of earning (working for what you want) in adolescent growth. Paraphrased, the question read like this.
“What is your stance on whether a new teen driver should partly pay for operating, maintenance, and insurance costs of a family vehicle? Does giving a free ride to a new driver at all hinder responsibility? From my part-time job in high school (10-15 hours a week), I earned and paid some of the car expenses, which encouraged me to drive more safely and mindfully. What do you think?”
I (Carl E Pickhardt) believe that teens often behave more responsibly when given freedom that they have worked for rather than freedom that is just given to them. Therefore take into account the potential influence of earning in adolescent life, as well as the challenges it presents for parents.
Given and earned
“What to freely give your teenager and what must be earned?” can be a vexing parenting question. The extremes will not do. If everything of positive value for the child must be earned, then there is no trust in basic givens to depend upon. “I have to constantly deserve their love.” However, if everything of positive value is automatically provided, then what need is there to make any earning effort? “Whatever I want is simply given.”
Both what is given and what is earned matter. So the common parental message is a mix: “You can always count on our love and support, but you do have to earn your freedom and responsibility.” Parenting demands both unconditional and conditional giving.
The two must not be confused. “If you loved me, you’d let me go!” “If you refuse what I want, you don’t love me!” No. Love does not obligate permission any more than the refusal of permission denies love.
What parents freely give are things like devotion, interest, and support: “We will always love the person you are.” What parents may insist on being earned are trust, freedom, and responsibility: “We must judge your behavior to decide on growing freedoms that you want.” The human being is steadfastly accepted, but human doing is subject to constant oversight.
Earning exchanges
Healthy adolescent growth keeps pushing for more self-management authority. To honor this push, parents are usually insistent on basic earning exchanges, some of which might be:
- When you give honesty, you earn trust.
- When you work hard, you earn opportunity.
- When you speak calmly, you earn listening.
- When you do as asked, you earn appreciation.
- When you own mistakes, you earn understanding.
- When you demonstrate responsibility, you earn freedom.
Age increases earning
Growing up is not meant to be free of charge. When adolescence ends and early adulthood begins, you must increasingly “earn your way,” whether at home or in school. This fact becomes more compelling.
As so much is given and so little is earned, dependent infants may feel spoilt at the extreme ends of growth, but last-stage adolescents may feel sobered because so little is given and so much more must be won.
The developing teenager must increasingly learn to manage and care for oneself, whereas the infant was unable to do so, in order to reach functional independence. People achieve this by working to acquire skills, chances, respect, opportunities, promotion, reputation, and money, for instance. Hence, like formal education, parenting has a role to play in helping the child learn how to support themselves.
Children learn about earning in school. In academics, they have to work to earn grades. In athletics, they have to work to earn playing time. In class, children learn that their behavior partly earns the treatment from the teacher they receive. The educational system rewards earning.
Powers of earning
Thus, part of parenting is the management of earning. How can earning matter? Consider a few possible ways:
- Earning is working for what is wanted.
- Earning empowers independence.
- Earning builds confidence.
- Earning engenders pride.
- Earning pursues self-interest.
- Earning is acting older.
- Earning is making money.
- Earning shows initiative.
- Earning confers worth.
- Earning creates opportunity.
- Earning pursues goals.
- Earning buys ownership.
In all these ways and others, earning is a powerful effort for an adolescent to make. While family relationships are based on acceptance and unconditional love, most social interactions are conditional and earnest.
Teenagers must therefore balance the need to be loved with the need to understand how to get by. Maybe the teenage driver paying some family car expenses is not such a bad idea.
